Not necessarily an 'Impending Doom!' as a once dramatic Ella Gibson referred to it as, but more of a pressuring crescendo of heightened anxiety - is that really any better?
Why? I have been here in Argentina since March and I will return home in December (not going to release the exact date because that is somewhat of a surprise to some certain people). 8 months overseas has definitely been quite the ride. There is something strikingly agitating to me about returning home. Something that I cannot exactly place, but will attempt in doing so within the proceeding paragraphs.
Here's an analogy that I think may aid my explanation:
Picture a remote control of life, yes, exactly as it was depicted so terribly in that 'Click' Adam Sandler film, just like that! And in doing so, attempt to link this imaginary remote control to what one is feeling in the present. When I left my home in Christchurch, New Zealand, I pushed pause, when I return home, I will proceed to push play. That has left a void of 9 months in between resuming a life of mine in Christchurch. What fears me, is that in this 9 month time period I have grown a lot. In which, returning home scares me because to me I associate my character before I left home with returning home. *Take a shot of alcohol every time Ella writes 'home', good luck trying to walk straight!*And I would like to believe that my character now is exceedingly better than before. This is not to allude to any false conspiracy that I was some type evil, violent, racist serial killer before - no, no no! Just to note that these 9 months have definitely been character building.
There is a fear in letting my surroundings influence my interior integrity; what I believe in. That is scary to me. The power that society upholds upon people prohibits some from living through with their sincere individual laws. More or less, I have a plan of attack in regards to what I want to be doing in Christchurch, but, the strength of surroundings and their influence is a reality that I cannot deny. Being aware of this fact is important now, and in hope of officially typing out these words I set out to validate my belief of this.
I can picture what I will see in Christchurch in December: my cuddly cat 'Tumnus' will be even cuddlier than ever with an obviously enlarged tummy (temptations are his vice), my sister's pile of awards and achievements continuously outweighing and overtaking my own as she will have another couple of trophies to prop up onto her shelf and I will look towards the horizon of Christchurch's CBD to see maybe one or two more 7-story, earthquake-proofed skyscrapers finally completed, years after their intended due date *fingers are crossed*. None of those ideas scare me, those are hypothesises that I predict will give me comfort. What scares me is the unknown, the resume of the play button may expect the same Ella Gibson to enter back on the screen, and I cannot promise the audience that that will be the case. Walking back into my teenage bedroom and feeling so absent in a space so familiar, a space that fills up with deja vu cannot any longer define my present self.
The sensation will be weird, however, perhaps I am overthinking the matter. I can't have changed that much, really. Not to surprise you all but I have NOT had botox or a sex change. But in all seriousness, my integrity as a human being would and could not have changed; those core values can't have changed so much, really. We will see how it all plans out, as the future is inevitable and a force that I cannot reckon with in the present moment. So, really what is the point? One should take their own advice and stop worrying so much. C'est la vie as the old folks like to say.
I think that the Joker very much ruined this song for me, changed it somewhat. But it still conveys the 'That's Life' message:
This blog will encompass the life of a 19-year-old kiwi chica. Composed of stories, advice, life lessons, worldly observations, videos and whatever else Ella's life brings to surface.
For all of this and more, read my new found blog 'Born In 2000': established on the 28th of October, 2019. Where Ella Gibson explores her life that exceeds all limitations. Publications should be expected twice a week. Take this present moment now and rock it!
